I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
