Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
