Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
