Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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