I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize