i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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