Got a toothbrush?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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