I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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