I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
