Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
