based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
