How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
