i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
