Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
