I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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