I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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