Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
