her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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