Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
