dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
