I looked at my own cervix.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
