His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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