People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
