I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
