if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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