I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
