I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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