The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
