If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
