If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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