Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
