the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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