Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
