John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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