Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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