never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
