DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
