Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
