last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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