Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dicks are not precious.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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