remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
