I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
