Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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