I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
