Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
