let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
