True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
