I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
