Someone shit on the floor
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i've created a new STD.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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