I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
