how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
