you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
