I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
