The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
