Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
