i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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