she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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