ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
