Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
