I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
