I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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