onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I need to calm my uterus...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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