its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize